Fathers are commanded not to provoke their children to anger. In this message, Pastor Brian shows 7 ways that fathers can provoke their children to anger, and then what they can do about it.
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The Duty of Fathers – Pt. 2
Ephesians 6:4
It is a very sad situation, but in our world today, often children are just not wanted. Newsweek Magazine ran an article on an organization called NON – The National Organization of Non parents. TV journalist, Hugh Downs, was a catalyst in the promotion of this organization. This organization was formed in 1972 as a group of people who “refrain from having children from the belief that to do so would represent an intrusion of their lifestyle and an interruption of their plans.” In fact, in one national survey, 70% of all parents said that if they had it to do all over again, they would have no children. In the 1970’s, one in 10 women ended her reproductive years with no children. Today, that has grown to one in 5. John MacArthur writes, “According to a recent report, the primary cause for children being in foster homes today is not divorce, financial destitution, or death of their parents, but simply the disinterest of their parents.” Do you know why more and more people are choosing not to have children? I can’t say in every situation, but I believe that in large measure it is an expression of our self-centeredness. We don’t want anything to intrude upon our pleasure and fun in life.
Now, compare all of that with the Biblical record in Psalm 127:3-5, “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” As Christians, we recognize that our children are an expression of God’s grace to us. Yes, raising children is very, very difficult. It requires us to mortify our sins of selfishness, and greed and lazyness. It requires discipline, and effort. It also will involve some agonizingly painful experiences. However, if I were given a chance to live my life over, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat! What about you?
We have already seen that God holds fathers ultimately responsible for the upbringing of the children. This is not the responsibility of the church, or the school, or even of mothers. It is the father’s responsibility because he is the ultimate authority in the family. Paul exhorted fathers, I believe, because fathers tend to have a natural tendency to be passive in the home.
Our text this morning deals with the reality of pain, tension, anger and resentment in a Christian household. Don’t you know that we live among a generation of angry and resentful and depressed kids? Let me remind you of the quote I started this series with – “In the U.S. At least 8 million serious assaults are made each year by children on their parents. In recent years, a number of children have been convicted of murdering or hiring the killing of their parents, usually for no greater reason than resentment of parental control or discipline.” Sure, part of the problem is the inherent depravity within the heart of those children. But, we also need to recognize the inherent depravity within our hearts! The problem does not lie solely with our children. We are also the problem!
The apostle Paul says in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” The Greek construction could be rendered this way, “Fathers, stop provoking your children to anger.” The New English Bible puts it this way, “Fathers, do not goad your children to resentment.” The parallel passage in Colossians 3:21 puts it this way, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”
So, the question that naturally arises is “What are things we do as fathers that can provoke our children to anger?” I want to look at seven ways we often do just that this morning.
1. Showing Favoritism To Your Children
We have a classic example of favoritism in Isaac and Rebekah’s family. Isaac favored Esau, and Rebekah favored Jacob. This led to Jacob fleeing for his life and being estranged from his brother for over 20 years. Later, when Jacob grew up, he followed his father’s example. Although he had 12 sons, he was partial towards Joseph, and showed his partiality by making him a special tunic. Of course, the other brothers saw the favoritism, and inwardly seethed with resentment. As soon as they were able, they tore the coat off their brother, sold him into slavery, and then lied to their father. Do you see all of the sins that are spawned by this sin of favoritism?
Fathers, do you show favoritism toward your children? You say, “No, never!” But do you ever say things like, “why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “oh, how I wish you applied yourself in your schoolwork like your sister” or “I never have to tell your little brother twice!” Do you ever show leniency toward one child over the others? If so, you are playing favorites. This is even more important when you have a blended family. Fathers, if you have some children in your home that you fathered, and others that you didn’t, be very, very careful that you give them all equal attention and love. Otherwise, you are driving a wedge in your family, rather than uniting them.
2. Being Overprotective Of Your Children
If you are overly restrictive of where your children can go and what they can do, you will goad your children to resentment. With that being said, it is true that we need to be careful about the influences we allow into our children’s lives. We need to carefully consider if this movie, or that album, or that kind of dress is in our child’s best interests, especially at their particular age. With that being said, however, we can take it too far, so that our children feel we have absolutely no trust in them. As a child matures, we need to allow them to make various kinds of decisions. If they make poor choices, we should gently and lovingly correct them. If they make wise choices, we should praise them. We can be like the anxious mother who told her son, “Never go in the water until you learn how to swim!” Well, of course the child will never learn how to swim without going in the water. A measure of risk-taking is necessary for the development and maturity of our children. A wise parent, will allow those risks when they are close by and able to help if the child flounders. If you smother your children, and continually question their judgment, will only build barriers in your relationship with your child.
Kent Hughes in The Disciplines of a Godly Man has wisely written, “As conscientious fathers we have to say “No” to many things. Thus we should try to say “Yes” to as much as possible, and save our “No’s” for the really important situations.” An overprotective father can provoke his children to anger. We need to watch out for that.
3. Demanding Perfection Of Your Children
Some fathers find fulfillment through the athletic accomplishments of their sons. We need to be very careful, though, because we can inadvertently apply constant pressure on them to be the best. Let’s face it, guys. Our sons are not going to be the next Michael Jordan or Barry Bonds. Don’t be the father who tells his son, “If you had tried a little harder, you could have been the MVP of the league” when in reality his son was a good ball player and enjoyed a great season. Don’t be the mother who tells her daughter, “you could have been the Valedictorian, if you would have just applied yourself.” You know what message these parents are sending their kids? Nothing you can ever do will ever please me! So the child ends up giving up, saying, “Why even try?” Paul tells the Colossians, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Dads, the best way to cause your children to lose heart is by never being happy and excited about what they have accomplished.
4. Being Overly Critical Of Your Children
This one is closely related to the preceding one. When we as parents are overly critical of our children, it provokes them to anger. We can do this if we never praise or compliment them, but instead are always finding fault with what they do. If that is the case, eventually our children will lose hope and become convinced that they are incapable of doing anything right. If we try, we can always find something that our children do well, and encourage them in that. Not only do our children need correction when have done something wrong, but they need encouragement and praise when they do something right.
I’m not sure why, but nothing was more important for me than having my Dad’s approval. When I began playing guitar and banjo, and then performing, I recall overhearing my father talking to a friend and saying, “I’m not sure where Brian got musical talent from. He sure didn’t get it from his Mom or me!” When I auditioned at Sacramento City College to perform in their coffeehouse, my Dad unexpectedly showed up to watch. That surprised and delighted me. On the night before my high school graduation, there was an awards ceremony. I attended the ceremony, and to my astonishment, I received several scholastic awards. I remember my joy when I looked behind me and saw my Mother and Father there in the room. I hadn’t expected them to come, but they took the time to share with me in my accomplishments and encourage me in them. Dads, if you get into the rut of always criticizing and never praising, you will likely provoke your children to anger. Oh, let’s not make that mistake!
5. Neglecting Your Children
This one is huge. Often fathers get so wrapped up in their work, or their hobbies or entertainment, that they ignore and neglect their children. It might be the Dad who is putting in 60-80 hours of work a week, so that he can succeed in business and be come wealthy. Dad is never there for his kids. Or it might be the Father that is a sports nut, and is always watching the game on TV, or reading about his favorite team in the newspaper. When little Johnny tries to get Dad to wrestle with him, or read to him, or go outside and play catch with him, Dad always shoos him away or gives him a video game or puts on a cartoon, so he can do what he wants to do. These are the Dads who never attend their son’s Little League games, or attend their daughter’s school plays. These kinds of fathers leave permanent scars on their children’s hearts.
Dads, I want to encourage you to learn to enjoy your kids! If you want your children to grow up angry and resentful, make it abundantly clear that being with them is a real bother, a real intrusion into your important schedule, a real sacrifice to you. Rather, we should take pleasure in our children. I tell you what, I have the greatest memories of my boys when they were growing up. Almost every day after I came home from work, we would go outside and play basketball, football, or baseball. Then we got a ping pong table, and spent countless hours playing that together. I looked forward to playing with my boys all day long. Debbie and I loved going to their Little League games. Children who feel that they are unwanted by their parents and are always interfering in their plans, can’t help becoming resentful. In these homes, the parents will eventually become unwanted by their children, and an intrusion on their children’s plans!
Fathers, make time for your kids! Plan a weekly Family Night, where you all take turns what you will have for dinner, and what you will do together afterwards. Go on family vacations. Sit down at the dinner table together without the TV on in the background and talk together. Dads, if you are never there for your children, you are going to inflict emotional scars on their young hearts that will never completely go away.
6. Exercising Unreasonable Discipline Toward Your Children
Dads, we can exercise unreasonable discipline when we are inconsistent. We let serious misbehavior go one day because we are tired and don’t want to expend the effort necessary to bring correction. However, on another day, we really lay into our child for a minor offense. One of the most difficult aspects of parenting is being consistent. Regardless of whether we are busy with something else, or tired and just wanting time to ourselves, we must discipline consistently. We need to decide in advance what the punishment will be for various kinds of offenses. I would strongly encourage you to reserve spanking for willful disobedience, not childish irresponsibility. For example, if your son went for a bike ride, and then left it laying in the front yard when he came home, instead of putting it in the garage, that is childish irresponsibility. However, if you tell your 10 year old son that under no circumstances is he to ride his bike while you go to the store, and then when you ride away he sneaks out with his bike and rides to his friend’s house – that is willful defiance. Now, if you spank him for forgetting to put his bike in the garage, but do nothing but scold him when he sneaks out and rides his bike to his friend’s house, you are confusing your child, and doing next to nothing in training him to maturity.
Another way we exercise unreasonable discipline is by losing our temper and spanking our child in anger. Our kids know when they are being spanked because you have blown your lid or because you really have their best interests at heart. Spanking should never be done out of anger. If you are angry you need to take a moment to gain control of yourself. Then proceed with the discipline out of love and desire for your child’s best interests.
7. Not Listening To Your Children
When your child comes up to you and tries to talk to you, do you stop what you are doing, look him or her directly in the face, and give them your undivided attention? You know, listening is really a learned skill. I have discovered that most people are very poor listeners, myself included. Many people just talk and talk and talk, and never take the time to listen. We carry these poor skills over into our relationship with our children. When they come to us, we continue reading the newspaper, or watching TV, or cooking the meal, and simply say, “Yeah?” What signal are you sending your child when you do that? You’re telling him or her that whatever you are doing at that moment is more important than they are. Your TV show, your job, your newspaper, your music, your whatever is more important than your child! Now, do you really want to give them that message? I know you don’t. When a child’s parents are continually distracted when the child tries to talk to them, eventually it will provoke them to anger, and they will just stop trying to talk to their parents. They will start looking for peers who will give them their attention.
Conclusion
1. Fathers, what should you do if you know you are guilty of provoking your children to anger? The first thing you must do is own it. You need to take responsibility for the fact that you have done this. Do not shift the blame or make excuses. Go to the Lord and confess it and repent of this sinful behavior. Then go to your child, and apologize and ask for their forgiveness. You may be thinking, “I can’t apologize to my child – they will lose all respect for me!” Actually, the opposite is true. If you are too proud to apologize and ask their forgiveness they will lose respect for you. If your children are grown and moved out of the home, then this may mean picking up the telephone and calling them. The truths we have learned this morning are not just for small children. We will still be Mom or Dad to our children for the rest of our lives. If there is anything that has driven a wedge between you and your child, go to them, confess it, and ask forgiveness for it.
2. Fathers, what should you do to stop provoking your child to anger in the future? Allow me to give you three ideas.
3. Spend a lot of time with them. How are you ever going to know if you are provoking them to anger, if you don’t know them really well? Dads, don’t sacrifice your children on the alter of your career! Every day, spend time with your children. That may mean playing with them, reading to them, asking them questions, having Family Devotions, tucking them into bed, taking them to the store, or doing activities together. If you are going to have your thumb on the pulse of their hearts, you need to make time to be with your child. Dads, do you take your daughter on dates? Do you take your son to the ball game or fishing or to the drag races? Do they know that they mean the world to you? It is only in spending quality and quantity time with your children that you will truly know them, and realize what you are doing that is provoking them to anger.
4. Listen to your wife. Dads, we need to be humble enough that we can listen to the input of our wives without chafing at it. Because God has made our wives differently from us, they often have valuable insights that we just don’t see. For the most part, women are far more in touch with their feelings, and are more relationship-driven than men are. Thus, they understand things about our children that we men are oblivious to. When your wife comes to you and says, “Honey, I think Suzy needs some quality time with you”, or “I know you’ve been very busy and distracted by that new project at work, but Johnny really needs some time with you” take heed and act on that.
5. Imitate your Heavenly Father. We are His children. How does He parent us? Does He goad us to resentment? Does He exasperate us with impossible commands? Does He neglect us, or use unreasonable discipline? No, He loves us as the apple of His eye. He protects us from danger. He cares for us constantly, and provides our needs. He is always seeking our best interests at heart. When we come to Him, He listens intently, and answers. When He tells us to do something, He helps us to do it. His discipline is never carried out when He has lost His temper. It is always for our good, that we may share in His holiness. Study how God parents us, and follow His example.
However, God is only your Father, if His Son is your Savior. Is Jesus Christ your Savior? That can only be true if you have turned away from sin and put all your trust in His righteous life, His atoning death, and His glorious resurrection. Only then can you begin to imitate Him. May God help all of us fathers to imitate our Heavenly Father in the way we bring up your children! Let’s pray.
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